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1,460 days without you hurts my heart! I miss you, mom!

Today marks the four year anniversary of the day that my mother made the choice to end her life. Four years ago my life changed forever, and it honestly feels like it was both forever ago and just yesterday.

When mom passed away, everyone told me that the first year would be extremely hard. the first year brought me an unbearable silence inside of myself because I was so empty and numb. The second year was so much worse. I had outbursts of rage and sadness; I spent many nights crying so hard because losing my mom was so painful that it literally felt like my heart was trying to rip itself out of my body to escape all that I felt in that moment.

The first two years after mom’s death, I struggled. I had some good days, but mostly bad days. Losing my mom changed me. I walked around feeling like my heart was in my stomach and my stomach was in my feet, but my head was off somewhere floating around in the sky. The third year after mom’s death began to bring back some normalcy.

What happened to my family and I was awful, but it does not define who we are. We are not stereotypes and stigmas; we are survivors who went through an awful tragedy and are still standing on the other side, fighting to keep going and helping others despite our own pain.

I know that I won’t wake up and everything will be better. I’m not expecting it to be. There is no magical grief fairy that will come to me and take the pain, sadness, and anger that I feel away. Yes, my mother died in a terrible way and that will always hurt me. However, what I have learned is that this is part of my story, and I want to use my story to help others, to help people not end up like me or my mom.

Your mother is your home. She gave you life. Unsurprisingly, life isn't the same without her. It loses meaning. Somehow I've made it 1,460 days without hearing her voice, besides listening to the saved voicemail messages on my phone. My heart hurts because of this!

Grief is a black hole, endless and vast. Sucking you dry of any emotional reserve you might think you have. Over the last four years I have felt trapped, alone, and helpless more times than I ever thought I would in my entire lifetime. All I'm ever thinking about is her, her, her...

As time kept creeping on towards this day that I dread so much, I can’t help but feel so anxious. Incase you’ve never lost a parent, time absolutely does not heal all wounds. That is a lie!! As much as people say losing a parent is natural, and it happens to everyone, losing your mother when you've barely mastered being an adult is absurd. I’ve never felt more orphaned. R.I.P. Momma.

Mental illness is a physical illness of the brain that causes disturbances in thinking, behavior, energy or emotion that make it difficult to cope with the ordinary demands of life. January 9th is one of the two days of the year that remain a constant reminder to me that mental health does not discriminate. Start a conversation with someone who may be struggling. Don’t be a part of the stigma!

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